I was thinking about my brother Leo today.

Leo was always unpredictable. Take his socks, for instance. One time, I said to him, “Leo, look at your socks! Why is the one on your left foot blue and the other one’s green and yellow argyle?” He looked down, studying the socks intently. “What’s wrong with ‘em?” he muttered. “I’ve got another pair just like this one.”

Our family never knew what to expect. Take Leo’s career choice. When he graduated from Immaculate Conception School in Cedar Rapids, we were at the cusp of the most promising and amazing technological revolution the world had ever faced, unravelling the development of atomic energy, computer technology, DNA discovery, color television, transistors, Teflon, credit cards, McDonald hamburgers and TV dinners. You might assume that Leo would surely choose some modern, high-demand, advanced high-paying occupation, but no. He decided to make his mark in the 20th century world as a Latin scholar.

Now I, too, love Latin. Amo, amas, amat. But the thing is, Latin isn’t the hot subject it was back in, say, 300 AD. Guys like Julius Caesar and Cicero were crazy about it, and Ovid even used it to write his book about how to pick up girls at the gladiator jousts. But sadly, Latin was becoming a “dead” language – no longer used in conversation. By 600 AD, only the monks were still conjugating the verbs. But by the time he began his teaching career, so was Leo, at least, up to the 1960s when the Catholic Church decided the liturgy didn’t need it anymore. At that point, in their infinite wisdom, the Departments of Education all over the U.S. got together and decided to drop it from the curriculum and to send all their Latin scholars into retirement, hibernation or onto unemployment insurance.

Not our intrepid Leo though. By this time, our family was semi-prepared for the unpredictable surprises Leo kept coming up with. The most spectacular of these was his revelation that he was about to get married. To a New Yorker – a drop dead gorgeous blonde – stylish, talented, intelligent – who was herself a teacher. Our Leo. We couldn’t believe it. Obviously, she hadn’t noticed his socks.

Her name is Peggy, and she wasn’t just a trophy wife. Peggy started her own teaching career as a piano teacher (a subject which also required additional career training after it, like Latin, was kind of obliterated from the educational arena). I myself took piano lessons for 9 years and I’m here to attest that for all the suffering they endured on-the-job, it’s only fair that all piano teachers go straight to heaven when they pass on to their celestial award-winning stardom.

Well, anyway, after Latin and piano playing were rudely abolished, both Leo and Peggy retrained themselves to be teachers of – in Peggy’s case – business subjects, and in Leo’s the subject of study skills. For Leo, it was downright fortuitous. To deal with his own chancy memory, he managed to develop some really innovative study and memory retention techniques that are probably still in use in New York State schools, and if they aren’t, they should be. I’ll tell you about them on another post. (As long as I don’t forget! I may not have been his most retentive student!)

I still miss Leo. He died in 2013. I was thinking that he might like it if we’d do a little review in the practice of his favorite language – Latin. It’s not true that it’s “dead.” We’re practically swimming in it up to our eyebrows every day. Most of our body parts, our food, our money, our clothing, our housing, our laws, etc., are named or derived from it. Speaking of etc., it stands for “et cetera” translated by all those Romans to mean “and others of the same kind”.

Some of these “lessons” will just be a refresher because you already know and use them, proving that maybe Latin’s not so “dead” after all. But just keep at it. By the time we’re done, you’re going to be able to TRANSLATE LATIN like a gladiator. Honest. So here goes. Let’s start with . . .

LESSON 1: A Review of Some Common Latin Terms and Phrases

• carpe diem: seize the day
• modus operandi: a method of working
• alter ego: another self
• Dei gratia: by the grace of God
• Deo gracias: thanks be to God
• ante bellum: before the war
• corpus delicti: current evidence that a crime has been committed. Example: a corpse
• veni, vidi, vici: I came, I saw, I conquered. (Julius Caesar)
• terra firma: firm ground
• summa cum laude: with the highest praise
• persona non grata: person not welcome
• tempus fugit: time flies
• quid pro quo: something for something; or, this for that
• caveat emptor: let the buyer beware
• cognito ergo sum: I think, therefore I am. (Rene Descartes)
• in absentia: while absent
• mea culpa: my fault
• post mortem: after death
• pro bono: done without charge
• vox populi: the voice of the people

Now wasn’t that easy.? You didn’t even need to do homework to master the first lesson. But now it’s time to proceed to . . . .

LESSON 2: Some Useful Everyday Latin Expressions

Excerpted from this wonderful blog: https://foxhugh.com/list-of-lists/funny-latin-phrases/

• Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit – To boldly go where no man has gone before.
• Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.
• Canis meus id comedit – My dog ate it.
• Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis – I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
• Fac ut gaudeam.  – Make my day.
• Illiud Latine dici non potest – You can’t say that in Latin.
• Imus ad magum Ozi videndum, magum Ozi mirum mirissimum – We are going to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
• Labra lege – Read my lips.
• Monstra mihi pecuniam! – Show me the money!
• Nihil est–in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui. – That’s nothing–in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
• Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum– Garbage in, garbage out.
• Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?  – How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
• Sit vis vobiscum – May the force be with you.
• Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum– Only you can prevent forest fires.
• Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur – Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Done practicing? Now for everybody except my grandchildren under the age of XVIII years old, let’s go on to . . . .

LESSON 3: How to Swear like a Learned Latin Scholar

• Es mundus excrementi: You are a pile of shit.
• Deodamnatus: Dammit!
• Bovis stercus: Bull shit!
• Obesus porcus: Fat pig!
• Fututus et mori in igni: f___k off and die in a fire!
• Filius canis: Son of a bitch! (literally – son of a dog)
• Podex perfectus es: You are a complete asshole!
• Flocci non faccio: I don’t give a damn.
• Irrumatar: Bastard!
• Morologus es: You’re talking like a moron!
• Stercus accidit: Shit happens.

You probably never heard any of the above “conversational” Latin during Requiem Mass at church but it was very popular among the toga crowd. But now, get ready. I want you to actually translate some Latin for yourself. This is a Latin pun which I have constructed just for you. All you have to remember is that the meaning of “ubi” is “where, “O” means “Oh”, “est” means “is”, “sub” means “under”, and “meus” means “my”. Got it? Okay, now we can go on to . . .

LESSON 4: Latin Translation Practice

Translate to English the following Latin pun.

What did St. Thomas Aquinas say upon arising every morning?

“Ubi, O ubi, est meus sub ubi?”

Did you get it? Cute, huh? It would have been better if I could have found the word for “socks”, but I guess the Romans, civilized as they were, didn’t wear any. Actually, I’m not even sure they wore underwear. I’ll ask Leo when I see him again. It’ll be nice.