Yes, times are tough. It’s tricky enough finding the dollars to pay for the peanut butter and the Hamburger Helper these days, but now, it’s time to help Santa fill the Christmas stockings with something other than all that stale Halloween candy. As always, however, you can count on Octo-woman to step forward to save the day and your empty pocketbook. Thanks to her impeccable taste, she is here to help you find the perfect – and affordable – gift for everyone on your list.
I’m sure you have been breathlessly awaiting it, and now, here it is: Octo-woman’s Practically Perfect Christmas Shoplifting Guide for 2022. Every suggested gift has been thoroughly vetted for its charm, practicality, reasonable cost, and even for its barter value should you acquire jail time as an end result of one of your shoplifting expeditions.
Clothing is always a practical choice. Who among the men on your list wouldn’t turn heads in a fine new tailored suit such as this one. (On the Shinesty website for $130) Try to imagine how proud you’ll be sashaying in on his arm at the company cocktail party. Especially when he could be sporting this snappy new hat with it (amazon.com $9.99) And it’ll look good in the office, too. I bet even the boss will notice.
On the other hand, if it’s your wife you’re shopping for, I know what you’re planning. You may be thinking about picking up a little nightgown like the one on the headless model on the left. Very glamorous, I’m sure, and its $15 price at amazon.com seems fair, but, ask yourself, how would YOU like having to sleep in it? I don’t mean to hurt your feelings and all that, but I’m afraid the nightie your wifey would prefer is the one on the right (amazon.com $38).
But if that seems too pricey, consider a nice Etsy hand-crocheted nose warmer like this one. for around $9. She’ll love it. And maybe you could get one for yourself, too. Only dogs want to have a cold nose.
And speaking of the dog, I feel that this Puff and Fluff hair dryer would be the perfect gift. No more spraying the bath or rain water water all over your bridal gown or your suede shoes. Just plug it in and stand back. (Walmart $17.38).
It’s always good to encourage the kiddies to read by giving books as gifts. This one would be a good choice so the little ones can explore the topic of death and disaster as an entertaining life lesson. (amazon.com $9.95). It’s recommended to follow up the book afterwards with the popular “Everyone Poops” to lighten the mood.
If any of your friends or loved ones are heavily engaged in pornography, subversive activities, bomb building, distribution of drugs, income tax evasion, or TikTok addiction, and are expected to be “eliminated” soon, this watchband is highly recommended ($25.95)..
This would be a welcome gift for any budding entrepreneur on your list. In this important ebook (LexiMorganGuides $10.77), the author explains in detail how to sell your feet pics online so that you can make thousands and thousands of dollars working from home with your shoes off. The world is waiting.
This could be very useful stationery for a giftee who is making certain long-range plans.
One of the reasons cats hate people, is because of the “gifts” they are forced to receive from them. Such as the one below. Reindeer antlers are no substitute for a decent can of sardines.
You have to give your cat presents that show more respect. Consider this wonderful gift (amazon $9.71) that will help him learn to master proper gun handling techniques and other preservation measures besides spitting, scratching, and urinating on the furniture.
Finally, after accomplishing all your shoplifting, you deserve a gift for yourself. And maybe a promotion. This book could help. After all, Octo-woman can teach you EVERYTHING.
Super helpful advice, but aren’t you forgetting something? How to shoplift those online gifties? Octo-woman is a bit stingy on the details.
What a helpful aunt you always are! I’ll run right over to my closest device and get some shopping done! (Really though, I’m going to get that Santa pants hat for Mark)
I agree with Chris, those Santa Pants hat are winning gift that anyone would be proud to wear. I am going to get busy making my Christmas shopping list and I will refer to moms list for those people who are are difficult to shop for.
Laughter 😄 is the best medicine. Thank you Pat. I’m on the mend today—and no more Christmas gift giving anxiety.
I must buy the large doggie dyer for Roecker’s pet Cody !!!!