If houseflies ever go extinct, would anybody really care? As Ogden Nash put it,

”God in His wisdom, made the fly.
And then forgot to tell us why.”

If a House Fly Environmental Protection League exists, I hope I’m not on their Wanted List. This week, I have been murdering as many of the little creatures as possible. I felt guilty at first, but by the third day I had turned into a crazed, bloodthirsty, depraved killer. Zodiac and Son of Sam will now have to step aside for the legendary destruction of Octo-woman!

The war began on Monday. The contractor came to do some final work and KEPT LEAVING THE BACK DOOR OPEN!

Daughter Susy: “Dan, please don’t leave the door open”.
Dan: “What door?”
Susy: “The back door. The one that’s open. The one all these flies are coming in.”
Dan: “What flies? I never saw any flies!”
Susy: “The flies that have been coming through the door.”
Dan: “You mean to tell me flies can come through doors?”

And so it went. About 463 of them moved in that day, or at least it seemed like it. Entirely willing to share their dysentery and typhoid fever germs with us. Having a grand old time, getting acquainted with our previously clean kitchen counters – tip-toeing around on little feet which had probably been tap dancing on donkey deposits a few minutes earlier. Aargh!

I had to take swift action. I needed to declare war, and I did. My weapon of choice was my trusty Fly Zapper. You would have been proud of me. I was fearless. By nightfall, I had bravely electrocuted about 2 dozen of my beady-eyed enemies. Of course I was a bit bigger than my prey, but considering that I was out-numbered, out-flanked, and outwitted by the little monsters, I felt that my performance was downright heroic.

Using the Fly Zapper requires intense military planning and cunning. At first, rookie fly hunters think they’re supposed to swing it like a tennis racket or swat it like a fly swatter but NO! Stalking a housefly with speed is an exercise in futility. The fly will always be faster, and will always escape to take cover several feet away from you where it can gloat at your clumsy stupidity. Or it will show off by walking upside-down on the ceiling over your head, out of reach of your trusty zapper. Actually, this fly trick is the only thing I find to admire about houseflies. I myself would really enjoy walking upside-down on the ceiling, but I’m afraid of heights.

As a public service, in case you are a fly zapper newbie, Octo-woman has prepared step-by-step instructions on how to use it to successfully obliterate flies. In case anyone reading this is repelled by gore, I won’t publish it here. If you have a Need-to-Know, let me know in the Comment section, and I’ll print it there. As for me, of course, I personally enjoy violence.

That was Monday. By Tuesday, Susy stepped in to take command. I stood in awe. When it comes to zapping, my daughter is a true sharpshooter. After 2 hours of zapping we think there were only about 4 flies left alive.

When I got up Wednesday morning there were only 2 flies on the kitchen counter, and a couple in the living room. And I knew I could deal with that! Until Thursday when . . .

. . . Dan arrived to finish his work about noontime. Yes, indeed. And continuing his Open Door Policy, so did a new swarm of flies excited to share their new residence with us.

Today is Saturday. It’s been a siege but I think (hope) there are only two left lurking in the house. I can only hope they’re not pregnant.