Hi, World. How’s it going out there on the Outside? Still there?

As for the rest of us housebound hermits, we know we have to get geared up for a kind of bleak Christmas this year. Santa’s travel schedule will definitely be restricted; nobody will be sitting on his lap getting their picture taken; chimneys will be under quarantine; it won’t be safe to pass around homemade cookies, fruitcake or fudge; and you can skip buying the 22 pound turkey or ham you planned serving to your dinner guests because no one will be coming.

But it’s not hopeless. As long as you have plenty of Clorox, disinfectant wipes, rubber gloves, hand gel, N95 masks, and COVID testing, you can at least sing heartwarming Christmas carols to your dog, or put together an interesting Zoom celebration with your family and friends who may or may not be speaking to each other following the election, or failing any of the above, maybe you can try drinking a whole lot of eggnog.

To get you into the Christmas spirit, I put together a Holiday Gift Buying Guide that I hope will help you find presents to give that are practically guaranteed to leave a lasting impression. Of some kind. And here’s some tips. They say you should never give a present you wouldn’t want to receive yourself. That right away rules out Covid, the “gift” that never stops giving, so don’t plan on delivering the package in person. And you have to use good judgment when choosing the gift. Just because it’s useful or needed doesn’t mean it’s welcome. A subscription to a weight-loss program, a nice big box of Depends, or a deed to a prepaid cemetery plot might not be as well-received, as, say, a winning lottery ticket or a heated toilet seat. No way.

After hours of screening amazon.com and several glasses of wine, Octo-woman hereby offers this suggested list of five can’t-miss Practically Perfect Presents:

GIFT #1

A HAND-CROCHETED MERMAID TAIL BLANKET. What woman wouldn’t want such an exotic gift and one which, according to the amazon.com seller, “will make her feel like a goddess of the sea”. For only $21.99, how can you possibly go wrong? Maybe all she was hoping for was a halibut hoodie or lobster loungewear or a sturgeon stole, and then the mailman shows up with a glamorous mermaid tail blanket! She’ll be thrilled, and swimming in compliments.

Such an exotic gift can only be coming from a faraway land. And it is. The seller is called DDMY and apparently their grammar, spelling and punctuation were earnestly acquired in a class for English as a Second Language.“Perfect for christmas or daily wear. Beautiful design for the coming Christmas festival.you also could choose for your girlfriend, kids, wife, as birthdays, Christmas gift. or as women gift. Washing Note: advice wash before wear! Please wash separately due to crochet instrction, and hand wash or dry clean only, no machine wash. Please note that this product is made DDMY.IF NOT,without any responsibility on our part！！！We provide return and exchange service of goods, we guarantee to be satisfied of you.”

A word of caution from me, however: your giftee may not want to be wearing her mermaid tail in case of fire. I’m not sure how good her locomotion would be on dry land. In an emergency, flipping, flopping, sidewinding and butt-crawling probably wouldn’t make for as fast an exit as running like hell. And it might be mortifying if the firefighter has to haul her down the fire escape yelling “Make way for this goddess of the sea! Her tail has been burnt to a crisp!” https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01LWL5IXF/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_5?smid=A25YAXC2Q2067Z&psc=1

And with that, let us move on to . . .

GIFT #2

YOGA NOTE CARDS. These cows truly have star quality! Who knew that bovines could so perfectly execute 10 of the classic “yogurt” poses! Instead of standing around meditating and munching wet grass in the meadow and moo-ing at passing cars, these amazonian wonder-cows are out there showing the rest of us self-conscious wusses how to be the crème de la crème. They are positively sure to inspire any of the females on your gift shopping list, even if the only yoga pose they formerly practiced was sleeping. And a bargain at only $10.98 at amazon.com. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01E0M3VPO/ref=ox_sc_saved_image_3?smid=A2ZEACN6HZG406&psc=1

And next we have . . .

GIFT #3

GENIE GARDEN GLOVES. Imagine the thrill when your lucky recipient opens this package and discovers these wonderful claws, perfect for anyone gardening, back-scratching, scaring the dog, or premeditating a murder. Or buy 2 pairs as His and Hers gifts for a couple contemplating a divorce. The possibilities for slashing and cutting are limitless, but the primary purpose of the gloves, at least according to the hundreds of 4 star reviews on amazon.com, seems to be digging weeds or planting seeds. They’re only $12.99 per pair, they come in a nice designer bag, and some folks report that a little charm was enclosed. As if it wasn’t already charming enough! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07H9MSXRS/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_7?smid=A2YE1W13KCSRZC&psc=1

Almost as charming as this . . .

GIFT #4

UMBRELLA HAT. Besides protecting the gardeners on your list, I was thinking this exciting hat could provide welcome hands-free protection from rain or sun while fishing, golfing, or standing in the Covid testing line. I may have to reconsider my recommendation though because the man doesn’t look too happy. Neither do the cows. I think they’re waiting till he leaves so they can practice their yoga moves. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07PV8549K/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_1?smid=A230DT8RCPDGBC&psc=1

But moving on, for the music lovers on your list, consider presenting this engaging instrument here suggested as . . .

GIFT #5

A GENUINE YODELING PICKLE. This unusual gift is sure to utterly charm the man who has nothing. This talented dill pickle can yodel on demand. It goes “yodeleleee-oh-oh-oh-oheee-yodelee-yodelee” and apparently, it hardly never hits a sour note. It doesn’t even need refrigeration. It’s officially listed on amazon.com at $19.99 as “Archie McPhee’s Yodelling Pickle, a seller who seems to knows a lot about pickling, but doesn’t appear to use spell-check.

According to the Archie McPhee enterprise, “Are you sick and tired of trying to teach your pickles to yodel? Pickles can be so stubborn. At last, the yodeling pickle you’ve been waiting for. With a mere press of a button (yes, it has a button) this little pickle will yodel its heart out. You’ll think you’re in the Swiss Alps listening to a yodeling pickle.” https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0010VS078/ref=ox_sc_saved_image_3?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1

This exciting product is rated with over 4 stars by over 2,000 customers. 78 questions and answers are listed to help clear up any confusion about how to operate the pickle. Some of them are:

Question: Is the pickle dill or bread and butter? Answer: It is the pickle of your dreams. That is all you need to know.

Question: Is this compact? I would like to enter into a yodeling competition and just hide this in my pants. Will this be discreet?
Answer: Yes, but be aware that someone may ask if you are pleased to see them…..it is about 6″ long.

Question: Why should I by a pickle online? Answer 1: You should always be by a pickle… online or not.
Answer 2: Because the pickles sold in grocery stores tend not to yodel.

Question: How experienced is this pickle? Is it a professional? Answer: No, it’s a terrible pickle. It took off and left me for a cucumber. I need to update my review.

Question: Does the pickle fight people? Answer: The pickle does not fight. It has, however, been known to cause fights. Buy one now to get your traditional family Christmas underway!

Question: Is it kosher? Answer: It is plastic. Do they make kosher plastic?

Question: Will this be a good replacement for my Tourette’s pickle? All mine does is shout inappropriate things at my co-workers. Answer: Yes of course. This pickle brings nothing but delight.

Question: Is this Windows 11 compatible? Answer: You understand that this is a yodelling pickle, right?

So there you have it, Octo-woman’s carefully curated shopping list for your gift-giving enjoyment. I’m sure your recipients will be raving about these gifts. Just don’t mention where you learned about them.