When it comes to cooking, I acknowledge that I have created quite a few bombs in my time. I have never actually set the kitchen on fire, but not from lack of diligent effort. Many of the dishes I serve are “smoked”. That is why I have sensibly avoided acquiring an Instant Pot. It just seems like a way to burn the food faster. What’s the hurry?

When I first heard about the Instant Pot, I just figured it was a way to grow weed faster. But, no, only God could do that.

Two years ago, the aforementioned pot came to my attention when one of my daughters made friends with one and since then has enjoyed a very successful relationship with it.

It’s fascinating. Instead of normal food like Top Ramen Extraordinaire or Hamburger Surprise, my daughter cranks out mystical dishes like clams linguine or heavenly cheesecake or fluffy egg soufflé that any mama chicken would proudly cross the road for.

You would think that with such fine examples of the pot’s potential that I would become an ardent fan of the Instant Pot. Uh-huh! Not me. Because I know how to stay out of trouble. When it comes to pressure cooking, I am, yes, a snivelling coward.

I acquired my fear of pressure cookers in the 1950’s. That’s when they first became popular in the United States. Unfortunately, like meth labs, they acquired an ugly habit of occasionally blowing up.

I only knew one person who ever used a pressure cooker during those pioneering times – my fearless mother-in-law, Mabel. There wasn’t anything Mabel could concoct in that thing that wasn’t mouth-watering delicious! She’d try anything, anytime, in that pot. One time we went to Ellis Park for a picnic, and discovered on the table – still gently steaming – not hot dogs, guys, – but a juicy fork-ready pot roast that Julia Child would have swooned over. The best I ever tasted.

Just because Mabel could produce such goodies with pressure cooking never convinced me to try to learn how she did it. I hope I’ll always be remembered for my unerring good judgment on that subject. If I’m the lone survivor of one of my dinner parties, I don’t want to be serving the meal just to the fire department or the bomb squad.

This photo I found (from lovethispic.com) illustrates what I anticipate could happen if the power of such a weapon were to be licensed for my quivering use.

If you’re a regular reader of these blobs (thank you!), you may have observed that I have never presented you with any of my own secret and treasured recipes for cooking, such as my famous Recipe for Boiled Water. I can only imagine how disappointed you must be.

To compensate, here are a couple recipes from other sources that you may want to peruse – entirely for educational purposes, of course. After all, as my son Matthew explained to me one time, “Many men read Playboy Magazine only for the articles”.

1. If, like the Stepford Wives, “you’ll simply DIE if you don’t get that recipe”, you can find one here for how to cook meth: https://science.howstuffworks.com/meth3.htm

Of course, I haven’t tried it myself: I only read it for the article.

2. Thanks to my good judgment in avoiding the use of pressure cooking, I haven’t tried the following either, but here’s Wikipedia’s “recipe” for how to create a pressure cooker bomb – on purpose:

A pressure cooker bomb is an improvised explosive device (IED) created by inserting explosive material into a pressure cooker and attaching a blasting cap into the cover of the cooker.

Pressure cooker bombs are relatively easy to construct. Most of the materials required can be easily obtained. The bomb can be triggered using a simple electronic device such as a digital watch, garage door opener, cell phone, pager, kitchen timer, or alarm clock. The power of the explosion depends on the size of the pressure cooker and the amount and type of explosives used.

Similar to a pipe bomb, the containment provided by the pressure cooker means that the energy from the explosion is confined until the pressure cooker itself explodes. This in turn creates a relatively large explosion using low explosives and generating potentially lethal fragmentation.

All of the foregoing is to introduce a rather theatrical learning experience which will be taking place here at Kartar Ridge Ranch. For Mother’s Day, my granddaughter Gretchen . . . .

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.presented her mom, Susy . . . .

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with the gift of – you guessed it . . . .

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. . . an INSTANT POT

Oh-Oh! It’s sitting in the kitchen, right now, waiting for someone to detonate it.

I think I’ll go hide in my room.