Spring having sprung here in Enumclaw, daughter Susy, granddaughter Josie, and I planted a few hundred vegetable and flower seeds in a little row of milk jug mini-greenhouses lined up along a sunny wall of the garage.

Technically, what should happen is that friendly little green sprouts will pop up any day now, all excited to get graduated into some raised beds where they will bloom in glory all summer.

There are several reasons why this effort may not materialize as hoped. Among them are:

1. We bought the seeds – 25 packages of them – at the Dollar Tree – 5 packages for $1.25 – for a total price of $6.25. It seemed like a bargain, and they’re sure to be fresh because the “Expiration” dates were cited as 两千零二十三 . That must mean 2023 A.D, right? Considering that all these seeds were produced in China, however, we are earnestly hoping that we won’t be raising a great big crop of long-grain rice.

2. Susy and Josie seem to be under the illusion that I have joined their ranks as a qualified, experienced gardener. My only association with their planned tomatoes, peas, beans, potatoes and squash is pinching and squeezing them at the supermarket. The truth is, unless you count marijuana, I have never grown a single edible plant. I am, however, related to a sister – Joan – and a nephew – Tim – who both have managed what could be considered truck-farming operations in their Iowan backyards; and my brother-in-law Don once gave me detailed instructions on how to grow 7 kinds of garlic.

3. Because, so far, Susy has been providing all the muscle in our effort to produce the garden of Eden, I felt that I should volunteer to assume some kind of role that would further our cause. That’s when, in a heroic moment, I volunteered my services as the Official Weeder-in-Charge. Equipped with my handy walker, my Fiskar’s weed-puller, my Hula Hoe, and my gardening-kneeler-that-when-it’s-turned-upside-down-you-can-sit-on-it, I plan to win the coming war on weeds. Or not.

As an unfit gardener, I have to think ahead to alternative solutions. A good reason for purchasing the seeds at Dollar Tree is because we can be saving our money in order to sniff out easier ways of exterminating the weeds. Enter the new battery-operated farming robots named Tom, Dick, and Harry!

This friendly robot gardening team is being introduced in England by the Small Robot company. Tom’s job is to identify and map the location of every plant and weed in the area, then Dick rolls in and electrocutes each weed. Harry is still a prototype, but his job will be to plant the seeds in the by-then weed-free field. Sadly, I can’t engage them to take over my gig as Resident Weeder at this time, because they’re not selling them at Dollar Tree yet.
https://youtu.be/-aabkKhm4GE

News alert! We have some SPROUTS! Eureka! It took 9 long days. So far zinnias, marigolds, forget-me-nots, sunflower sprouts are peeking out. As Scarlet O’Hara in “Gone With the Wind” put it: “Thank God, the crops are saved!”

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As soon as they graduate with honors from the milk jugs, the sprouts will take up their residence in the raised beds which have been cultivated by Susy. Apparently, Susy still hasn’t learned my method of finding alternative solutions for providing sweat labor, such as the one below. (It was written by Kranti Nivedan and submitted to Richard Strachan’s website.)

See, Susy? There’s always an alternative solution.