It has come to my attention that Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device company is currently requesting applications for a clinical director. His/her/their job will be to manage the trials to install the brain chip in human brains. It’s getting serious, people. The trials are hopefully planned to commence in 2022. Hmmm!
I guess it’s time for another advisory epistle from Octo-woman to Elon. I know he must appreciate hearing from me frequently, our spiritual connection being what it is. Contrary to popular opinion, it does not involve actual stalking on my part, but it probably would if I knew how to drive. Of course, if I had a Tesla, I wouldn’t need to know how. (I’ll have to save up some bitcoins for that). I’m just licensed for a walker right now.
Anyway, here goes.
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Elon Musk
SpaceX Headquarters
54298 Boca Chica Blvd.
Brownsville, TX 78521
Dear Elon:
I really appreciated seeing photos of models similar to your newly rented $50K home in Texas. It’s nice that you’re trying to economize, Elon, but I have to tell you that your new digs will be a little tight when I come for visits. Take the kitchen stools, as an example. I don’t think I’ll be able to get my knees under the counter when I’m having my oatmeal and prunes. What were you thinking?
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On the other hand, I do appreciate seeing that large crucifix on the wall.
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I didn’t realize how religious you are, my boy, even though one of your Time magazine Person of the Year photos also included you with a pic of the Pope. It’s nice to have chums like that.
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But let’s get down to business. I see that you’re currently getting ready to install the first Neuralink brain chips in creatures other than monkeys and pigs. When you mentioned your regrets that you can’t seem to carry on a “nuanced conversation with a monkey”, I could feel your frustration. My son Matthew keeps trying to engage in stimulating chit-chat with the seven donkeys who live with us here at Kartar Ridge Ranch, but their vocabulary seems to be severely limited. You should definitely cross equines like our donkeys off your list of promising future Neuralink subjects because the only “feed-back” you’ll get out of them besides Hee-Haws, will be hayseeds and other unmentionables in their poop.
At any rate, I’m glad to know that it’s time to start choosing human subjects to implant the brain chip in. You may not realize it, Elon, but I am available!
As you know I have the perfect brain for it: feeble, marginally demented and out-of-warranty. In addition, it’s having a lot of trouble remembering stuff, and besides that, it’s having a lot of trouble remembering stuff. It is a shining example of a brain which could soundly benefit from a technological upgrade.
Try to imagine the After version of my brain once it can get directly plugged-in to Wikipedia, TikTok, PayPal, Trashy Books of the Western World, the New York Times crossword puzzle, and guest appearances on Jeopardy. It’ll be a shining example of what a computer-enhanced brain can do. I can hardly wait! I know my new friend Alexa will be upset when I don’t have to consult her anymore, but as they say, let the “chips” fall where they may.
From what I’ve been reading, it appears that you’re planning that Neuralink’s first human subjects will be paraplegics and others who can’t move their limbs as skillfully as I can. I realize I have to be patient and wait my turn. I’m good at that. As your seven sons have probably already figured out, Waiting Your Turn is one of the mandatory features of life in a big family when you only have one bathroom.
As one of the chosen test cases though, I will be more than happy to point out your mistakes and suggest improvements to guide your future Neuralink advancements as well as your other career opportunities. You can always count on Octo-woman.
Let me know when I can check in for the procedure. No need to send the limo. Uber will be satisfactory. As long as it’s a Tesla. Or a CyberTruck.
Cordially,
Your faithful friend and counselor,
Octo-woman
Here’s the latest Neuralink update I could find on YouTube:
Wow. I had no idea how much progress has been made with the installation of brain chips in humans! I thought it was just people joking around. I had no idea pugs and monkeys have been testing them. It would be an amazing tool for mankind but kind of scary to consider the outcomes of having our brain functions altered!!
Let’s see… which would I rather? Have a neurosurgeon rummage around in my brain for the right ‘inputs’ or just cross my fingers and let the robot do it and hope for the best? Seriously, with the uncontrolled (and often negative) growth of social media, it’s hard enough to keep that stuff out of my head as it is! Life is precious because it is limited. The promise of using chips to help people with disabilities or dementia sounds great, because they can hope for increased abilities in this life, but for healthy folks who just can’t get enough of their twitter feed, that’s really for the birds.
Mom! Let Elon be the first guinea pig for the chip. Let’s see how it goes for him. Then maybe you can do it. But you don’t really need it. You are eons ahead of most of us already. On another note, his little apartment looks perfect for Eric and me when we retire. 😊😊😊
I will stick with chocolate chips. Less dough required
Good to keep a sense of humor—just before they put the brain chip in. Are we headed there? Really!? Thanks for keeping us up on coming events.😬