I’m sure you’ve been breathlessly waiting to start your Christmas shopping until I’ve helped you out by posting my practically perfect Shoplifting guide for 2021. As you know, you can rely on Octo-woman for all your personal shopping needs (unless you need cash, a loan, credit approval, or bail.)

Every one of these treasures has been carefully curated to serve as the perfect gift that you’ll be proud to present, even possibly to people you’re actually fond of. Because the tedious pandemic is generating such economic privation, I decided that it might be helpful this year to only offer practical gifts such as burlap pajamas or toilet paper — nothing too frivolous.

Clothing, unless it’s a prison jumpsuit or a school uniform, is always a popular gift and Octo-woman’s recommendations can be relied upon for their impeccable style, practicality and possibly questionable taste. As an example, I felt I had to omit my intended first suggestion for the edible meat underwear, shown below. This is because the Brief Jerky – while an attractive and popular choice – is really not very practical. After all, what if your giftee is vegan?

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For the same reason, I decided not to include jewelry this year. I know, I know! Jewelry is easy to pilfer when the sales clerk isn’t looking, but this isn’t the year for showing off a lot of bling. Otherwise, I would have included these Beardaments. The reason the giftee looks so cranky is because he’s all dressed up to go to a party and there aren’t any.

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Now the attractive wearable sleeping bag shown below is a lot more practical, especially if you’ve just been evicted from your apartment and have to sleep in a Walmart parking lot. It’s warm, cozy, and guaranteed to help you avoid any sexual overtures from any of the store’s lust-crazed geriatric Greeters. You might try sneaking out of the sporting goods department wearing it, but if you can’t avoid the checkout counter, you’ll have to shell out $169.00 for it. But just think of the rent money it’ll save!

Or if you think a more permanent dwelling would be cherished, check out this stylish alternative as modeled on YouTube. This chic garment can convert to a tent when nobody’s looking and will surely present a fashionable statement next to the dumpster or out behind the casino.

For furnishing your giftee’s new domicile, consider including this warm-as-toast inflatable mattress, priced at only $149.00, with a money-back guarantee in case it gets kind of moldy.

(I would have suggested this mattress instead but it didn’t seem like it would work for a tummy-sleeper. And of course, it might be impractical for sex orgies.)

As for shoes, this is the gift you really might like to receive for yourself! They are fully equipped with GPS navigation so you can never get lost while jogging, walking the dog, or trying to escape from the authorities. They were featured on ebaumsworld.com but may still be in beta test mode, so while they may be the best personal location tool around, you may not be able to locate them by Christmas. In that case, you can always write up a handy Gift Certificate and then try to find your way to the post office to mail it. Good luck.

Gift baskets are always popular and this one is definitely brimming with helpful items, but you may not want to give it to anyone who is – let us say – housecleaning-impaired, and with whom you hope to have a long term relationship.

In closing, in case she didn’t send you one, here is Queen Elizabeth’s Christmas card for this year. I think she appreciates Octo-woman’s same gift giving austerity and she sums up our second pandemic year quite nicely.