At first, I was a bit offended. When Elon Musk scheduled the Inspiration4 crew for last week’s first civilian-manned SpaceX trip, I didn’t get invited.

As it turned out though, I wouldn’t even WANT to go on that flight. And as his Numero Uno fan, I feel duty-bound to tell Elon why – and where he went wrong. So here goes:

Elon Musk
Tesla Inc.
3500 Deer Creek Road
Palo Alto 94304

Dear Elon:

We all make mistakes, my boy. We both know that. Even though we’ve never met in person, I try to set a good example, but sometimes it seems like you’re just not listening. I know you try, though.

I certainly appreciate how you paid attention and managed to keep up with me by producing seven children of your own, and even named one of them Damian, perhaps out of respect for my own son Matthew Damian. Sadly, however, your Damian and all six of his brothers were born as boys – with nary a girl in sight. This, as you well know, is a violation of the 19th Amendment and the #MeToo movement. I, on the other hand, was able to include five girls in my litter of seven. This should be your own goal – you just can’t father too many girls. You have to try and try again. I know you can do it!

Just a side note about your newest baby boy whom you named X Æ A-12. I can understand your naming him that. I, too, ran out of names, but I got around it by giving all the girls the same name – Marie. As in Lisa Marie, Susan Marie, Gretchen Marie, Teresa Marie, and Judith Marie. I understand that you’ve been calling X Æ A-12 simply ”X” for short, but I do hope you realize how much confusion he’s going to cause in algebra class, or if he sends a note to his worst enemy and then signs it with a kiss. If you wish, you have my permission to change his nickname to X-Marie.

Now about all the surprising mistakes you made in planning and executing the recent Inspiration4 civilian-manned Space-X flight. Here’s the list:

1. Don’t you think the spacefare for the trip was a little steep at $52 million per seat? That’s not a competitive price for a space trip consisting of going around the earth in circles every 90 minutes for 3 days. The only way most folks would fork out a fare like that was if the purpose of the trip was to take up residence in Heaven with Guaranteed Full Immunity for Past Offenses. At least, Elon, please tell me that the fare included Frequent Flyer miles.

• 2. What about leg and elbow room? Instead of Tourist-class, your travelers were seated in Sardine-class. This is how you give people varicose veins and pinched-nerve syndrome and then they have to wear ugly elastic stockings and visit their foot specialist and have to give up hope forever of competing on Dancing with the Stars. Is this to be your legacy, sir?
  
  

3. Now about the restroom. Where is it? According to the report ”The toilet is located on the ceiling”. We have to conjure with trepidation what that implies, and can only hope that the passengers were at least fitted with Pampers as well as hygiene-grade headgear. I, for one, have no intention of visiting a restroom upside-down on the ceiling. In an interview with CBS News, Scott “Kidd” Poteet, SpaceX’s Inspiration4 mission director, said there was a “minor waste management issue that the crew and mission control were required to troubleshoot. But honestly, this did not impact the mission.” In the post-flight news conference, Ericson said there was a problem with a fan. “As in most exploratory adventures like spaceflight there’s always been one or two little hiccups along the way,” he said. “But this was dealt with amazingly by the SpaceX team.” Phewie! Hiccups? This is what comes of eating re-fried beans in space.

4. And what about the food? According to SpaceX, ”The menu for the Inspiration4 crew was varied — pasta and meatballs, salami, bacon and cheddar, pasta Bolognese. For snacks, there were granola bars, peanut butter cups, apricots and M & Ms, which are good for shooting around in the weightless environment of space.” And, oh yes, cold pizza. No prunes. But Elon! I have to mention this! How could you have forgotten TO SERVE THE PACKETS OF FREE PEANUTS? Inexcusable! To make up for it, next time, pass around Costco’s Macademia Nut Clusters, or a gin and tonic. Or, at least, a Mars Bar. It’s the least you can do!

5. Now about the landing. I understand that it was perfectly and gently executed but it was, as usual, WET. Do you have any idea what salt water can do to a person’s hairdo, Elon? It seems to me that anybody who can invent a self-driving car ought to be able to figure out how to land a space capsule on a nice paved runway. Without crashing. I hope you’ll give this problem your full attention.

Well, that’s about all for now, my child, but watch for my next letter. In it, I plan to discuss your failed marriages, how to improve your love life, the purpose of pre-nuptial agreements, and the use of bitcoin for alimony payments. Stay tuned.

Ever faithfully yours,

Octo-woman