Jeepers creepers! Now that I have an iPhone and am learning to “text”, I guess it’s time to start upgrading my vocabulary.  My lingo is beginning to sound pre-historic. I wannabe a hip-hop kitty, but it doesn’t seem to be working. To illustrate, please follow along:

The folks here at our little ”commune” known as Kartar Ridge Ranch, often share menu planning and prep. One day this week, I texted the following message to Susy, Curt, Josie, Caleb, Bryce, and Matthew:

Anybody who has matured to a respectable age of reason would know that I meant that I was preparing a well-balanced, nutritious hot meal, and that I would be serving it in my usual fastidious Better-Homes-and-Gardens style on El Cheapo paper plates at the time of their choice. My reference to the old timey waitress ”slinging the hash” at a greasy spoon cafe, seemed more upbeat than “When should I serve the slop?” Unfortunately, my effort to inject a little whimsy – backfired. 

Soon after I sent the text, my iPhone bleated its little whimper to announce an incoming text. It said: 

”hash:”
”Hashish or hash is made from the resin (secreted gum) of the cannabis plant. It is dried and pressed into small blocks and smoked…Marijuana also comes from the cannabix plant. It is made from dried leaves and flowers of the plant. Hashish is a reddish brown to black colored resinous material of the cannabis plant.”

Another text followed:

https://slang it.com : meaning: cook
What does cook mean? – Slangit
”Did you hear that D-will used his mom’s basement to cook meth?” Related slang: BB Breaking Bad. Blow. Cocaine. Dope. Illegal drugs.

And still another that said:

https://www.defender.net : Slinging
Slinging: what is it? What does it mean? – Definder
Another word for selling drugs. People who sling drugs often hang out in alleys and sell people walking by lots of crack cocaine and marijuana.”

Those texts were followed by this one penned by grandson Bryce, exposing his (formerly saintly) grandmother’s life of crime.

EVIDENCE

• Think about it. Being a sweet, loving gramma with a walker is perfect cover for a drug dealer. No one would ever think anything nefarious.
• She has marijuana growing experience. Maybe someone led her down the wrong path.
• She loves the TV show Breaking Bad. She could have been inspired by and learned the ins and outs of the business from Walter White.
• We thought she moved to the country to be with family. Maybe she just needed more space than Seattle for her operations.
• What is she doing up late all those nights after Matt and I go to our rooms? I hear her moving around for hours on end. What other gramma stays up ’til 5 or 6 in the morning?
• Maybe she got in a fight the other day with her “Jesse” that gave her a fat lip when we thought it was an allergic reaction. That’s why she was so dismissive that it was nothing. She knew it was from being punched in the face and that the swelling would go down. She probably thought, “Yeah, I got a fat lip, but you shoulda seen the other guy.”
• I think she accidentally sent this text to her drug dealing partner about “cooking drugs” tonight and what time they should sell the hashish. She is trying to cover it up by pretending the send text was about making dinner for all the family, but I can see through that.
• We might have to stage an intervention before she gets so bad that the Feds come knocking and we are all culpable. 
  

The text was accompanied by this image:

The final text came from granddaughter Josie:

It said, ”OMG. I’m cryin’!” 😂🤣

I guess you could say that I really blew it, right? You better not, though. Now that I’ve reformed and am on the path of righteousness, I just looked up that expression in the Urban Dictionary and learned that ”blow” refers to ingesting cocaine – as in ”Gramma just stepped in the alley and ’blew’ it.” Personally, of course, I would never do that. Very often. I don’t even know of an alley around here.

You can certainly count on one thing, though. I’m gonna be eyein’ the lingo while I’m takin’ care of bidness. Ya digg?