Decluttering for our big move to Enumclaw, Washington, I am right now facing my closet, wondering where to start. Thanks to my sister Joan, though, it’s not as formidable as it otherwise would be.

Staring at the closet’s contents, I was thinking that instead of plowing into the task, this might be an appropriate time to reveal my fashion styling tips with you. (Don’t snicker!) There are three of them. The first two tips I stole from my sister, but the third one is all my own and I’m sure you’ll never stop thanking me for it.

TIP #1: ONLY BUY BLACK PANTS, NOT COLORED PANTS.

According to Joan, this has several advantages. You don’t have to worry about which color it’ll coordinate with; the black hides more of those pesky bulges and hip dimensions; and the exact same pair will look just as fine while checking out the rutabagas at the supermarket as at Prince Phillip’s funeral this weekend (just kidding – they forgot to invite me).

In keeping with my lifelong motto that anything worth doing is worth doing to excess, I have gradually acquired 9 pairs of black pants. My sister Joan would be proud of me. The old white, gray and beige ones I used to wear were abandoned, but they’re still gathering dust in the closet awaiting their transfer to the decluttering bin.

Another advantage of only wearing black pants, as I gradually discovered, is that I now only need two pairs of shoes, but not because I have four feet. Both pair are black Reebok sneakers Princess style size 8. Along with the black pants, I wear one pair for “everyday”, and one pair for “good”.

Now, you may think you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing sneakers, say, for example, to your granddaughter’s wedding, or to receive an Oscar at the Academy Awards, but trust me, you’ll love it, and you might be the only woman there who doesn’t have sore feet. Besides, black Reebok sneakers Princess style almost don’t look like sneakers. If only they didn’t say “REEBOK” in those fetching gray letters on the back! Just wear your pants a little on the long side, and maybe nobody’ll notice. Especially if you’re 89 years old – most likely, nobody was expecting you to show up in stilettos. Just remember to dig out the “good” pair, not the pair you were mucking about in the compost heap.

TIP #2: ALWAYS WEAR SWEATSHIRTS

According to my sister, sweatshirts should be the foundation of all wardrobes. They’re comfy, economical, and along with fig leaves and diapers, may be the world’s oldest, most useful and dependable garments.

The Russell Athletic Company claims to have invented sweatshirts in 1920, but I have serious doubts about that. I’m fairly sure my sister Joan did it. Joan may have been the only resident of Sun City West, Arizona, who wore a sweatshirt every day of the year. The desert temperature, notwithstanding, Joan really set the fashion standard amongst her fellow denizens of the sand.

But, she didn’t wear just ANY sweatshirt, oh no! To my “crafty” sister, every sweatshirt was a styling statement! Sadly, I haven’t unlocked her secret techniques for how to do it, but her sweatshirts didn’t look anything even remotely like mine do. I get mine at Jiffyshirts.com in the fall sale when they’re $6.95 each and, tragically, they look just a little bit like they cost $6.95 each. If Joan was only here, though, it’d be another story. This is how HERS looked:

And that explains why, at present, my closet is bulging with about 12 sweatshirts. Unlike Joan’s, they’re unadorned, and while some of them belong in the paint rag bin, I still wear them everyday, one-at-a-time, of course.

TIP #3: BEWARE OF PURCHASING CLOTHING WORN BY CRANKY MODELS!

This is my own, carefully researched tried-and-true fashion tip: When garment-shopping, carefully observe the model wearing it. If she looks cantankerous, you probably can’t afford to buy what she’s wearing.

While it may be only because she hasn’t had anything to eat for several days, the look on each model’s face probably means that the gig she’s working is for a high-fashion couture agency, and not Jiffyshirts.com. And the degree of distaste on her face is in direct correlation to either the price of the garment, or to the degree of discomfort she has in walking around in it – like, maybe, it still has straight pins in the seams.

To prove my theory, consider this. On the left, here’s a happy Jiffyshirts.com model showing off a comfy sweatshirt priced under $10. And to her right is another model from another store showing a sweatshirt priced at $550.

Or how about the ladies pictured below? Each of these shirts costs up to $420. Maybe they’re just having a bad day.

• 

• 

• 

One thing you can count on from the world of high fashion is that price of the garment will determine how sullen the model is expected to be in order to sell it. To demonstrate this, here is a photo of one of my granddaughters who’s done a lot of modeling. Her name is Erica, but you could normally think of her as Little Miss Sunshine. Here she is in real life, having a cupcake! Please notice that smile! It’s due to good genes and her dentist dad Eric. However . . . .

Here she is at work, where, it seems, if you’re wearing something expensive, smiles are ‘frowned’ upon!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

So, the next time you’re checking out those fashion magazine, just remember this. . . if the model looks grumpy, be prepared to face the price tag with caution. You have ventured into the high-fashion marketplace, where you’re never fully dressed without a frown!