• December 27, 2020
• Lee Child
• Darley Anderson Literary Agency
• Estelle House
• 11 Eustace Road
• London SW6 1JB

Dear Mr. Child:

I am quite sure that in the very near future, the American Heart Association may attempt to bring an end to your previously successful writing career. Instead of generating your award-winning suspense novels, you may be reduced to scribbling off sensitive, meaningful, heart-felt prose for Oprah, rutabaga recipes for Martha Stewart, or user guides for how to assemble flat-pack IKEA furniture.

The AHA is certain to realize they have to come up with some new guidelines for maintaining the heart health of all current and future heart patients in America, like it or not. Among the substances that must be avoided will be sodium, cholesterol, alcohol, anything that tastes good, like popcorn, maybe even coffee-drinking, and all 25 of your Jack Reacher novels.

As a habitual reader of your books, I can testify that, while painful, such action will be justifiable. Being 89 years old, I am keenly aware that by following Jack’s adventures closely, I am putting my life in danger, and that a heart attack is imminent, but I keep reading them anyway. Such is the behavior of a Jack Reacher addict.

Because you can’t write the books fast enough to suit some of your more blood-thirsty readers, we are forced to spend the wait time by re-reading the already published ones. I just finished re-reading “Die Trying”. Now, one might assume that a second reading might be a bit repetitious, and a much calmer experience. But, no. It was just as hair-raising, heart-palpitating, stroke-inducing as the first time around. My heart may not withstand a second tour of the 24 other books. If I kick the bucket during that time, I’m going to hold you personally responsible. And be prepared. My family is going to expect an apology from you at the funeral. And maybe a nice floral arrangement.

Think about it. Your books may have killed off almost as many people as Jack has. In Jack’s case though, the 10 or 12 people he does away with in every book are despicable bad guys – never women or children – and certainly never nice little old ladies whose only crime is their taste for violent literature. On the other hand, I guess I should mention, Sir, your choice of whom to kill might be considered by some of the ladies as misogynistic. As an Equal Opportunity author, maybe you should try to have Jack kill off just as many of your female characters as guys. Try to be fair. I’ll let my bridge club know.

I am glad to hear that the new Jack Reacher movie series will feature an actor other than teeny tiny Tom Cruise. I was unable to face watching the first two feature films. May I remind you that Jack is 6’5” and weighs over 210 pounds? And even aside from his body size issues, personality-wise, Tom Cruise is – and I say this with the utmost respect – a twerp who jumps on sofas. Jack, on the other hand, has dignity.

We can only hope that this new person – Alan Ritchson – can muster up a portrayal of not just our hero’s brawn, but his smarts as well. It would really help if before the first rehearsal of Killing Floor, the actor would sit down and actually read the books! Could you insist on that, please? Otherwise, I will have to take some kind of action, such as crossing you off my Christmas card list.

Unfortunately, I just looked up some images of the actor, and I’m starting to worry. In many of them, he’s wearing itsy-bitty shorts – kinda beefcake-y – flexing his muscles, and lathered in what seems to be olive oil, like he’s ready to be sautéed in a non-stick frypan. Jack would be MORTIFIED. He wouldn’t be caught dead in an outfit like that. And where would he put his Glock? And his folding toothbrush? I really wish you would have consulted me before you signed that contract.

Well, Mr. Child, even if the the movie versions don’t pan out, I’ll keep looking forward to the next book versions. If you feel you could benefit from any more of my advice, please feel free to contact me at any time and I’ll be glad to help out. Unless I’m busy reading.

From your very concerned Jack Reacher fan,

• Octo-woman
• Seattle, Washington 98105