Every day is National Something Day*, but I think we should especially venerate January 19 because the tribute is so well deserved: it’s National Popcorn Day. It’ll be on a Tuesday in 2021, so I definitely think it’ll be a school holiday. If not, maybe the teachers can help out by going on strike.

(*You may want to someday submit a proposal for your own special Day, say, for, National Athletes Foot Recovery Day, to the National Board but out of the 18,000 applications they receive each year, only 30 are chosen. Many are called but few are chosen. There are so many that now the Board says they can only accept applications from companies or corporations or organizations. Thus it may be that National Deviled Egg Day on November 2nd (it’s real) may have got certified due to the intense influence-pedaling of the Eat Eggs Not Drumsticks coalition of the Chickens’ Humane Society of America.)

https://www.chron.com/life/article/Getting-a-national-day-declared-for-your-favorite-10618474.php

Anyway, according to the Popcorn Board (yes, that’s their real name), we each eat at least 42 quarts of popcorn per year, probably 41 of them during professional football season. And the Pre-game Preparation is what we have to talk about on today’s blob.

As the only non-football fan in my household for the past 69 years, I somehow became the appointed and official non-electric Popcorn Popper, a grave responsibility which I have always accepted with valiant heroism, dedication, and smarmy resentment. Why, I ask myself, am I out here in the kitchen up to my greasy elbows in canola oil while overhearing all those hysterical cheers and swear words and otherwise emotional fun activity emanating from the family room? Someone is having a good time and it isn’t me. Before my drivers license was confiscated, I used to sneak out and go fabric shopping on every pro-football game day, but now, of course, I am forced to stay home in an effort to avoid going to jail. Making popcorn. Thank goodness for wine.

Thus it transpired that I have learned a thing or two about making popcorn which I feel duty-bound to pass on to you while I still have most of my own teeth, and can still eat it.

Firstly, (I really love made-up adverbs), contrary to what football fans seem to believe, popcorn isn’t just some kind of a casual snack invented for their barbaric viewing enjoyment. It’s been around for 5,600 years that we know of to possibly help celebrate dinosaur fighting combats, lions eating Christians slaughters and even 2020 Presidential debates.

The Aztecs REALLY loved popcorn, and I’m sure that’s why they are still revered as one of the most impressive civilizations of all time. The only corn they had in those days was popcorn because there was no other kind they could actually chew. Everybody had their own way of popping it, but I believe it was due to the pioneering entrepreneurship of Orvillel Xochitl Redenbacher (last born son of Ahutazi and Nahuatl Redenbacher) who introduced the popular large clay pot loaded with sand on the bottom and commonly known as the Instantl Potl.

Those crazy Aztecs loved popcorn so much they even decorated their prom dresses with it. And in honor of the god of maize and fertility, they used to do the exciting Popcorn Dance in which Orvillel’s girlfriend Cosamalotl and the other ladies would mingle among the men while jumping up and down dancing in a way reminiscent of popping kernels of corn and American Danceband. It was very popular except among the Spanish Conquistadors. Tragically, they showed their displeasure and massacred everybody except for Orvillel who as you know was to continue his distinguished career by forging ahead to invent potato chips, honey roasted peanuts, and, unfortunately, the exciting microwave popcorn packets which later turned out to give everyone cancer. This provoked Orvillel into cranking out his most well-known news release, and I quote

“In ie tlecujlixquac, in ie tlamamatlac.”

meaning, “You win some, you lose some”, which in turn cleverly seques us back to the professional football season currently underway.

January 19 is an appropriate date for the honorary popcorn observance because it’s right at the peak of Super Bowl fever, and it may even be Russell Wilson’s birthday, and if it isn’t, it should be. And for that matter, 19 may even be the shoe size of some of the refrigerator-sized gorillas on the football field.

By January 19, I’ll have probably already popped enough popcorn to heavily blanket a football field. I don’t pop it for every game though, only when the mighty Seahawks are playing. So far this season, they’re only playing on Sundays or Thursday nights. I never pop popcorn at lunch time because I’m never up at that hour, so that narrows it down to games that start after 1pm. So on the 11 games-remaining popcorn days, if I start popping about 45 minutes before the game starts, I can do the mopping up after filling the equivalent of about 1 and a half large supermarket bags full of buttered ready-to-eat popcorn by the time the game starts.

Of course, if the Seahawks get into the Super Bowl, it won’t be a problem because I can just serve the popcorn raw and unpopped and nobody will notice.

If you’re mired in a popcorn popping addiction yourself, you’ve likely already figured out a way that works better than mine. And you probably don’t make 12 batches in one session as I do. I’ll tell you how I bumble through the procedure below, and then please leave me some improvement tips in the Comments. I’ve still got at least 11 games of popping to go!

Here’s my survival technique for my personal popcorn popping pursuits:

I only air pop because the clean-up is easier and the popped corn is fluffier. Don’t worry though. (Plenty of butter and olive oil gets into the act further on). For air popping, I use a bowl like this. Don’t know what it’s called because I think I got it a century or so ago at Good Will or Value Village thrift store. It’s also handy to use for layered salads. You wouldn’t think it’d be microwave safe, but so far it’s held up for many popping years. Any big Pyrex bowl that would fit in your microwave would also do.

I melt the butter ahead of time in a measuring cup and set a gravy ladle beside it on the range top. I won’t mention how much butter I use or somebody will report me to the Cholesterol Police but it might be 1 and a half sticks.

Not using any oil or salt, I put 1/4 cup of Costco’s Orville Redenbacher popcorn in the glass bowl, cover it with this silicone lid and start the microwave on high power for 6 minutes. That makes enough popcorn to fill this large salad bowl. If you do it, be very careful when transferring it because it’s HOT.

Then, I start the next batch using 1/4 cup of popcorn, put the lid on and start the microwave up again for 6 minutes, but from the second batch on, the popcorn is really done after about 2 and a half minutes – about when I don’t hear a “pop” for a second or so. It must be faster because the bowl is well heated by then.

Meanwhile, though, I’m working on the first batch. I lightly spray the top with olive oil, and part of a gravy ladle of the melted butter and popcorn salt. Using the salad servers shown below, I mix the popcorn. Then spray the olive oil and butter and popcorn salt and mix again. Then I pour the whole mess into the largest size grocery bag (costs 6 cents) that I previously nested inside a plastic garbage bag. And I shake it again, and sometimes drizzle a little more butter on top.

By that time, the next batch is finished, I pour it into the salad bowl and continue as above. The advantages of this method are (1) I can complete the 12 batches and do the clean-up in 45 minutes. (2) The clean up is easy because in spite of all that oil and butter, nothing much gets greasy. And (3) the popcorn tastes delicious. Even Orvillel likes it. He said to tell you

Hrunadiága ‘ne hrusiá’nda’, hrúuya ‘ne hriétenaladxe’, hrune ‘ne hriziide’

which roughly translates to “This woman is very corny and she’s full of poop, which proves that popcorn is a good source of roughage”.

In case you may have the idea that I’m fixated on popcorn, trust me, it runs in my family. To illustrate, this is a video called “The Adventures of Movieman and Popcorn Girl”. Written, directed, produced and edited by grandson Bryce, who was then age 14, and also featuring granddaughter Sonja Begonia and other family members. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear when we used to rent movie video cassettes to play on our VCRs. While we were eating POPCORN. Remember?