I am currently shopping for a cane. But not just any cane. No, no! I’m looking for something more along the lines of, let’s say, a multi-purpose investment. And I think I may have found it. My dream cane. Besides my own front teeth or one or two hearing aids, this is all I want for Christmas!

The reason for my recent product search is that I have recently been terrorizing innocent passers-by by suddenly clutching them in a death grip. They don’t seem to appreciate the fact that I’m doing it for their own good. This is to avoid the necessity of their need to render assistance to the old lady who has just tripped and is now flat on her face on the sidewalk in front of them. With her underpants exposed.

Of course, society has to accept some of the blame for this. Is it MY fault that 89 year old, slightly mentally impaired women are permitted to run around outdoors without a leash?

Thus it was, that I decided to commence my cane shopping experience. I quickly ruled out most of the ones being proudly shown on Amazon, because they didn’t seem all that useful. In fact, I could see that using one of them could be a real hazard. How could I navigate smoothly with a cane in one hand, and in the other – my purse, umbrella, lunch box, my Kindle, a satchel for my hand sanitizer, face masks, medications, pepper spray, and my fully loaded squirt gun? Something would have to GO (besides me, I mean, since I need to rather frequently.)

What I really wanted to find was a walking stick like my Irish forebears used to use called a shillelagh (pronounced “shil-LAY-lee.”) It was not only very helpful to Paddy wobbling home from the pub, but it served as a terrific “fighting stick” when a brawl broke out. Sounds perfect. But where, I wondered, could I find such a splendid instrument in this modern world?

That was how I happened to stumble once again. This time on an ad for a “Tactical Staff”. The following description is taken verbatim from the seller’s website. I promise I’m not making up a word of this.

“Thugs and criminals are in for a rude awakening when they get close enough to see that what looked like an ordinary walking stick from a distance is actually a strong machined aluminum defensive system.“

Sounds right down my alley. And besides its formidable defensive capabilities, I’ll be getting so much more. According to the website, this – word for word – is the list of these features:

“Primarily designed as a survival tool, the Tactical Staff contains the following built in tools:

1. …. A harpoon point
2. …. A knife and saw
3. …. A firestarter
4. …. A fish scaler
5. …. A hammer
6. …. A glass breaker
7. …. Built-in internal compartments for carrying valuables

“The Tactical Walking Stick is the ultimate camping and survival tool. Part trekking pole, part saw, part fishing spear, part knife, part hammer, part fire starter, and all badass. This isn’t some cheap piece of plastic. The parts screw together tightly, and the whole thing has a kind of heft that makes it feel great in the hand.“

“It works great as a simple walking stick or trekking pole with the tools safely concealed inside. Run into a little trouble on the trail? This thing is heavy and sturdy enough to administer a sound ass-whooping, should the situation call for it.“

https://tacticalwalkingstick.com/products/tactical-walking-stick-for-survival-and-self-defense

Does that sound perfect or what? How can I possibly live without such a remarkable cane? Just what I was looking for. It can even serve as a bottle opener. And they’re having a 50% off limited time offer! Even at the full price of $110, it sounds like a bargain for a badass Granny like me. I especially like that part about being able to administer a little ass-whooping. I hope I’ll be able to lift it. It weighs 3 pounds, rather heavy for a cane, but probably just about right for my new carry-all, multi-purpose fighting stick. HOOYAH!