June 24, 2011

Victoria Glendinning
% Simon & Schuster
1st floor
222 Gray’s Inn Road
London  WC1X 8HB
England

Dear Miss Glendinning:

I recently discovered your advice about growing flowers.  I am so impressed that besides finding time to be an important British biographer and novelist, you made time to improve my gardening skills. I am enclosing a photo of you which I found on the internet.  Please autograph it so I can add it to my collection of seed catalogs.  

 “Geraniums bloom better if they are spoken to. But a kind word every now and then is really quite enough. Too much attention embarrasses them.” – Victoria Glendinning

Amazing advice.!  Thank you ever so much, Miss Glendinning. At last I know the reason for my lack of gardening success.  I didn’t realize that I should be talking to the petunias. I’m going to hurry out there today and remedy that. But what shall I say?  Can they speak English?  And if not, what then – Latin?

I tend to be bashful.  Do I need to properly introduce myself first? Maybe I’ll just kinda look down in surprise and say, “S’Happenin’, Bud?”  Or, maybe, “You look familiar, kid. Have we shared the same bed before?”  Or else, “Cheez,  Rosie!  Ain’t those aphids a drag?”

Daisies never tell, but I suppose I should at least pop the question, “Do you love me? Or do you not?” I just hope they won’t get the idea I’m proposing marriage.

On second thought, Miss Glendinning, what about the neighbors?  They already think this place is the funny farm.  What if they see me tiptoeing through the tulips, chatting in my friendly conversational style to the flora in my garden? I fear they may conclude that I’m even more deranged than they suspected. Especially if, unbeknownst to me,  the plants I’m talking to are weeds.

What do you advise?  Breathlessly awaiting your response, I am,

Very sincerely yours,

Octo-Woman,
Master Gardner Not