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I should never underestimate the hijinks which may be cooked up by my nephew Tim Fitzpatrick and/or his cohort elves.

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In the email this week, I found these photos of two naked turkeys who had the misfortune to find themselves at Tim’s house on Thanksgiving with nothing to be thankful for.

It looks like the folks back there in Iowa have taken to frying harmless underage birds.  This is a ten pound baby turkey that my nephew FRIED. He fried two of them. And then, shamelessly, the dinner guests devoured them with gusto.

I was not invited to attend personally, but apparently, what ensued was an orgy.  It’s unnatural. It may even be illegal. According to my cookbooks, you’re supposed to roast a turkey.  It doesn’t say anything about frying. Not to mention that a ten pounder hasn’t even been weaned yet!  Or that a ten pound turkey is a minor, as I would have pointed out, had I been there.

Present at the scene of the crime (and accessories to it) were the perpetrator’s wife Denise, Chris and Mark Milner, Dennis, Teresa, Hannah, Jeff, Carrie and Tommy Fitzpatrick. But not me, of course, having not been invited. Tim is the one in the blue shirt and grin sitting at the far end of the table.  (At the head of the table is the chair Denise was probably saving for me, but Teresa took it.)

My niece Chris revealed that before immersing the birds in the scalding hot oil, Tim injected them – not with novocaine or Kentucky bourbon – but with Cajun butter.  This seems excessive.  “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” should have been adequate.

Octo-woman feels she has no choice but to report this fowl offense to you but she hopes you won’t be too hard on all of them.  Just Tim.  After all, he was the fry-cook.  Tim came into the world as an elf and has been up to mischief ever since, — like FRYING juvenile turkeys instead of properly roasting their mother on an open fire with Jack Frost nipping at his nose.

As an eerie hint of what he’s planning for his next frying extravaganza, check out this little morsel which he inadvertently mailed to me the same day I received the turkey expose’. When I saw it, I knew right away what he’s up to.  He’s shopping for his next main course.

I hereby recommend that anyone visiting in the Iowa vicinity keep a tight leash on their dogs, cats, birds or other pets, or else you may be bringing them home crispy fried or barbecued. And if Tim offers you a hot dog, be afraid.  Be very afraid.