Was reading an article about weight gain during the holidays.  According to surveys, people say they gain, on average, about five pounds this time of year.

I was shocked to learn. however, that several studies now show that the average weight gain during the winter holidays is just one pound.  Obviously, those people studied were not trying hard enough, or else they lacked information and counseling.

If during previous holidays, you were among those who expected to gain five pounds and failed to meet your goal, I can help.

Trust me, it’s easy to put on five pounds during the holidays if you have will-power and determination, as well as access to Octo-woman’s Getting Fat in 30 Days System.  This successful system comes with a money-back guarantee.  You will either gain all the weight you desire, or every penny will be cheerfully refunded in full. (No one has ever requested a refund which proves how successful the system is.)

One of the system’s primary principles are these: Eat more, but you must avoid vegetables and fruit.   The secret trick to packing on the pounds is to eat unlimited amounts of Certain Foods.  I will reveal two of them to you today.

Both of these products can be purchased without a prescription (or drug dealer) at any Costco Warehouse.

The first Certain Food is Costco’s Kirkland Signature Milk Chocolate Roasted Almonds.  I pay $9.49 for 3 pounds at Costco.  You can find them online too but they cost three times more than that.  There’s 160 calories in 11 pieces. They consist of big firm almonds encased in milk chocolate glazed so it doesn’t get on your fingers. Costco falsely claims ownership of this recipe but I am almost certain that it originated – not in their kitchens – but in Heaven.

The second Certain Food is Costco’s Kirkland Signature Macadamia Nut Clusters.  A food reviewer described them this way: “If you love decadent sweet-and-salty combinations, you’ll love these. The fine-quality macadamia nuts from Hawaii are lightly dusted with sugar and salt, covered in soft, creamy caramel to form clusters and then enrobed in chocolate.”

People will go to outlandish length to acquire these candies.  My son-on-law Brad pretends he doesn’t like them “because they’re salty”.  A likely story.  When hearing a comment like that, put the jar under armed guard.

Each 2-pound jar contains about 45 pieces. Costco’s price is $10.49 for the 2 pound container. (Costs tons more online at other stores.) One piece is 110 calories. The Macadamia Nut Clusters are not a natural food.  They are supernatural. When you eat them, you will know that they have been conceived and concocted by angels who love you and who have forgiven you for any of the sins of your past life.

You may be wondering how in the world the Certain Foods can help you put on those additional 5 pounds at Christmas-time.  This is how it works –  just follow these steps carefully.

1.  Open a jar of either of the two products described above.

2.  Turn on the TV set.  Sit down, put your feet up, and set the product down on a table beside you.  Start watching a quality show like South Park. Soon after, as if by magic, you will notice that the contents of the jar have diminished.  I can’t tell you how it happens, it just does. You’ll be amazed.

3.  After a few days of this regime, get on the scale.  If you needed any more proof of the efficacy of my system, that’ll be it.

Well, that’s it.  Your free weight-gaining tips for the day, but, no, please don’t thank me.  I’m just doing this as a public service.